Sadness makes me feel the most pain

I think what upsets me the most whenever I’m crying is knowing that this won't be the last time I’ll cry. There will be another time my chest feels heavy and I feel like I’ve lost control of my self once again. The feeling of being sad will never go away forever. It might be gone temporarily, but when you care the feeling will always be back. When you give yourself over, the rush of disappointment whenever your feelings have been hurt or taken for granted will still come. 

I always feel like I’m being taken for granted. Sometimes I feel like I’m not even worth it because another human being keeps hurting me without even noticing it. If they don’t see how much they’ve been hurting me even though I keep trying to tell them...are my thoughts even important?

I also don’t get why it feels like a vacuum is trying to suck out my lungs. Why it feels like I can’t breathe so I gasp between each cry for help. Why the pain is so physical when really it’s just mental. How my body shrinks itself because my mind doesn’t wanna be seen.

 It sucks man. It sucks to always hurt. 

cloud nine

i met a soft boy. 
even softer than the last. his eyes are calm and his voice low and slow. when he speaks it sounds like maple syrup. thick and heavy and sweet. 
he’s softer than feathers, but weighs as much as a grown man. how can that be? i’m clueless but in awe, staring at a boy so soft he feels like freshly dried linens. warm and clean and welcoming.
i met a boy who’s supposed to swim, but floats like a cloud. 

cloud nine. 

I hope you understand

It sucks when you know someone means well by reaching out to you, but they’re a trigger. They remind you of a time when you felt so small and damaged. They bring up the feelings of hopelessness and loss. You wanna block them because their random “hope you’re okay” messages turn a good day into a questionable one. Yes, I’m okay. And honestly I’ll be better if we just stopped all communication. I love you and wish you well on your journey. I’m just never gonna be a part of that again. 

I hope you understand. 

decorate myself

i look at my reflection
my hands start to work 
first my base 
then my cheeks 
a rose tint 
that i sometimes carry on 
to my delicate lips
brightness flows back into my eyes
green follows my lower lash line 
now my ears
my ancestors wore heavy gold
our lobes stretch but i don’t mind
i wear suns on the sides of my head
spreading warmth with every step
i feel like the most me 
when i’m decorated
when i’m appreciated 
by my own self
the art i put on my body
are the gifts i’ve offered
to the gods
that live inside of me
i carry legacy 

mirror reflects a cycle

this union was special
at least it was for me
like a mirror 
reflecting the flames 
burning my whole world down 
behind my full hair and big smile 
now the arrows people throw
don’t seem so targeted
pointed ends miss the parts of me 
they were intended to hit
the flames have died down 
ashes are on the ground 
behind my short hair and big smile 
new land with fertile soil
i’ve been planting seeds 
one by one 
impatient, but knowing it’ll all be okay
we are waiting for the spirits
may they whisper their native songs
so new growth comes in  
stronger and greener 
behind my full hair and big smile 
a new world has appeared 
ready to be burnt down again