Dealing with sickness

For a while now, my mom has been sick. She has rheumatoid arthritis, high blood pressure, stents put in her arteries, and pretty bad anxiety. Every day is struggle for her, not being able to walk because of the pain in her joints, and feeling all of the side effects from the plethora of medications she takes a couple times a day. It's not easy living with someone who needs constant care, especially at an age when you're supposed to be experiencing life and going out into the world on your own. Never thought at the age of 23 I would be in charge of taking her to numerous doctor appointments a week and caring for my 13 year-old sister. It's been extremely difficult over the past couple of years. Whenever she starts to feel better things go left and we're back at square one.

Not only do I have the weight of my sick mom on me, I also have this sort of resentment towards her and my family that came out of the blue. One day, my mom and I just stopped connecting. Everything she asked of me seemed like such a chore and with age she gets more difficult to deal with. She's constantly criticiszing me and tells me that I don't do enough. I get it, she's in agonizing pain, but I'm human as well. So I became absent the last couple of months. Snapping at her whenever I felt like she was attacking me and feeling as though she was a burden. Now when I look back it hurts to remember how I've distanced myself from my loved ones because it felt as though it were too much to handle. My friends weren't dealing with the same problems. They were free to do whatever they pleased because they're parents were healthy and not dependent on them. If only they knew how lucky they are and how badly I want my mom to get better, but I don't know if that'll ever happen.

Recently, my mom was hospitalized and the thought of her dying came into my head. I cried for days, not knowing what I would do without her in my life. From that day, I decided to start caring again. This mindset wasn't working anymore and my mom went through hell and back to raise me. My father is in my life financially, but not emotionally or even physically. My mom took me to school, signed me up for dance classes, found a speech therapist, watched me during my swimming lessons, cheered me on at school presentations, gave me endless amounts of love, attention, and affection. She's my superwoman and now it's my turn to be be patient with her even though she can be a lot to deal with. I will always love my mother, and it still pains me that it took me this long to snap out of this mindset of negativity and anger.

It's not easy taking care of a sick loved one and I know many people who have gone through this. It's okay to feel like the world is against you and that God doesn't exist. I don't like to use the word "God" because of personal reasons, but the universe does what it does for a reason. Be patient and kind to your loved ones and most importantly understanding. And communication is key.

My First After My Last

My First After My Last

I still remember the first time you kissed me. We were at a bar for a friend’s showcase and all I could think about were your blue eyes. The way they stared so intently, observing everyone, everywhere, all the time. Your face was so close to mine that the inevitable had to happen. It was quick, but satisfying at the same time. All I wanted was more, paying no mind to the crowd around us. My timidness had disappeared. 

When we left all I could think about is feeling the heat radiating from your body. I finally built up the courage to slide my hand into yours and I held my breathe waiting for the rejection, but then you took it. You held my hand and now my heart was beating up my throat. Loving every second we spent walking to the train together. At that moment you were mine and I was yours. Only for the night. 

The last kiss of that night was underneath the train tracks on Roosevelt Avenue. It was your first time in that part of Queens and I still remember you comparing it to Los Angeles. The place you left me for. It’s okay though, because the memories keep my heart full and I’ll never forget the feelings I had. They’ll fade with time, but they’ll always be mine.