vulnerable


i try to be grateful 
even for the horrible moments 
like the many times my heart has been broken 
and the many times i couldn’t reach out
felt like dirt piling on top of me 
until i couldn’t see any kind of light
no response is all the response i needed
but then i remembered how vulnerable i am 
with my own self
a curse yet a gift
to love so freely 
and understand why life 
is worth living
"love so much that my heart get broke"

nothing exists


finding validation through you
my self worth is in your hands,
but you don’t always tell the truth
you only say whats in demand
tell me what i wanna hear
because you know that my biggest fear
is to never be enough
and in this world it’s mad rough
to be someone important 
and be loved by the masses
not to live in the moment
there are just so many classes
it’s like school all over again
will this feeling ever end? 
seeking uniformity 
in a world with endless deformities
it doesn’t exist 
tell me nothing exists 
we don’t exist
my voice doesn’t exist

my roles


i sit in front of the mirror
then start telling myself 
all the roles i take on in life
the list is endless
for every day 
a new part of me is revealed
one day i was a dancer
another day a sister
yesterday i was a friend
today i’m a poet
this is growth
when there’s so much to you
you just call yourself love 
love, love, love, love, love

carrying a woman's pain


it’s hard
to feel the pain
that all women carry
sometimes it’s easier 
to stay ignorant and silent
but tears fall endlessly
they fill our oceans
flooding the areas
they originally came from
not knowing what to throw away
what to keep 
hold our womb for a second
so we can weep
being ignored and oppressed 
because of whats between our thighs
we’re more than human
and men know that
it's common knowledge
it's fear

undecided


these thoughts enter my mind
i can’t help it 
can’t choose a specific path
new faces, different phases
everyone asks the same question
“what do you want?”
that’s an answer i’ll never have
with my thinking ever-changing
my thought process failing on me
never been able to rely
on myself or anyone else
what is it that i want? 

sing the blues


on a sunny wednesday afternoon 
you used to sit at your desk
and play tunes i was never interested in 
but watching your body change to the beat
fingers snapping, teeth showing, feet moving 
i felt the rhythm in you
from that day forward 
i never questioned your rhythm 
you were born to sing the blues 

introvert


i enjoy being alone
with nothing
but my own breathing
breaking the silence
finally, 
I can hear my own thoughts
there’s no show to put on
lines to rehearse
a crowd to please
i’m in my own world
my only task
is to be myself 

unworthy


you pop up
unannounced and unbothered 
did you forget? 
what you gave me?
endless nights of tears
they flooded my room 
left me drowning 
in thoughts of unworthiness 
i gasped for air 
watching from above 
unannounced and unbothered 
you left 

familiar


you remind me of someone
the way you sound,
your scruffy face,
and your mannerisms
speaking as if
worries don’t worry you
we’ve never met
complete strangers
except I know you exist
and you remind me of someone 

don't stay lost


i lost my favorite artist
i lost love for a boy
i lost my mind for a boy
i lost trust in others
i lost confidence in myself
i lost my path
i lost my sense of direction
i lost motivation
i lost hope 
i almost lost myself,
but i didn’t 
and all things lost 
can eventually be found 
it'll be okay

you're still here


it’s been a long time
yet you’re still here
not physically or even emotionally 
but you’re alive in my thoughts
memories haven’t disappeared 
you've morphed into something
that was never real
fantasies play out in my head
hoping that I wouldn’t have to 
keep living off of thoughts of you
but feel the warmth of your body
your actual being

let me go


loosen your grip
or I’ll tear your hands off
stop clinging
or I’ll let go 
don’t tell me what to do
or I’ll do the opposite
para de controlarme
tu no me paristes
i’m not yours
no soy tuya

let's dance


the song is slow
it cries for everyone 
letting the sadness flow
your body twists in sorrow 
feel the pain
spread it 
pretend like your heart is broken 
just for a couple of minutes
forget the fact 
that it actually is

too giving


every time 
you come into my life
i feel a little bit more empty
it's not your fault
for some reason
my first instinct 
is to give you more
than i can afford 

diosito


En el nombre
Del padre, 
del hijo, 
y del Espíritu Santo 
Que Diosito te cuide 
She said to me
Her thumb gliding 
across my forehead
While I pretend to look down
peeping up during this ritual 
She never failed on doing
Whenever I set foot outside my house
It was a piece of light she gave to me
A peace of mind she gave to herself
Que diosito te cuide 
May god take care of you 

Scared to hurt


I remember how whenever people told me or vented about not being able to let others in because they’ve been hurt before, I thought it was just bullshit. The act of self sabotaging and stopping love from coming into your life seemed so foreign to me. But then again you never know how it feels until it happens to you. 
Yes, I’ve been hurt and betrayed before, but that never stopped me from accepting love offers and new beginnings. It was when I hurt someone so badly, which made me feel guilty for months, that made me stop wanting to let people in. It’s kind of the opposite really. Instead of being afraid of being made a fool, I’m more concerned about letting someone believe that they’ll have me forever. They’ll assume this bond is everlasting, completely ignoring the fact that most good things always come to an end. That’s why I’ve stopped letting people in. That’s why I don’t want to express interest in people I feel I can fall in love with. That’s why I shut down opportunities even before they present themselves. I no longer want to hurt anybody. It seems kinda selfish, but I rather cause myself pain than let someone I truly love/loved down. I rather put a stop to it before anything starts. The less I mean to you, the better.

I don’t wanna be known for that ugly scar above your heart.

Eyes



Eyes,
windows to the soul
You can be cursed
just by someone’s stare
You can fall in love
with a long gaze
You can feel small
by being looked down upon
You can taste fear
when pupils widen
I’m obsessed with your eyes
Let me keep them 

Lights



Lights

I looked over
your eyes were covered 
with purple and blue lights 
Staring at me with wonder
as if I was the best thing
that has ever stepped on this earth
and into your sight  
You kept telling me my mind 
was what you wanted the most
to crack it open 
and let everything spill out
Fears, opinions, dreams 
It all confused you 
Your eyes grew bigger 
You wanted to know,
but I won’t ever let you

Do you wanna?



Free my brain 
from the thoughts 
that keep me 
crying at night
Free my spirit
from the dark hands
that love tying me down
Free my heart 
from those who 
decide that my love 
is their property
Free myself
from the substances
that numb the pain,
but don’t teach me 
how to heal it
“Do you wanna, 
do you wanna 
be,
happy?”

Ink




The first time the needle hit my skin 
Ink penetrating the layers of me
I second guessed my decision 
Thinking I might feel regret 
My body once a blank canvas 
Now covered with art
A symbol for sisterhood 
Triangle for balance and progression 
An airplane for the places I’ve seen
For the places I dream of exploring 
A sunflower for myself
And a blooming spiritual woman 
Who I will become with time and work
I’ll die with art on me 
Inscribed forever 
Til’ I turn into dust 

Dorita



She always has a way of inspiring me 
Always telling me 
a man can never control me
or define who I am as a woman 
But then she’ll never fail 
to remind me that 
a man would never want
una muchacha promiscua
 as a wife 
Even if he said numbers 
don’t count or scare him
Although you contradict yourself 
you’ll never let me be subpar 
You believe I am gonna make a difference 
in the world
 or maybe just in your heart 
Recognizing that men aren’t shit 
And as women we’re more
More than just housewives 
More than just mothers
Dorita wants me to be more
Your love and kind words 
mixed with outdated thoughts 
have created the person I am now 
Rebellious and conservative 
You made them one in the same 

La Primavera


The sun beams onto my skin
And I soak up the gold
The flowers bloom into wild things
And I feel their magic
La primavera esta aquí
Para enseñar nos
Que después de un invierno fuerte
Life always comes back
Lovelier than ever

Written Love & Lost



They overflow
Popping out of drawers
Falling off of shelves
The letters you wrote
Each word filled with emotion
Whether it was love or lost
They consume my surroundings
What should I do?
Throw them out with our relationship
Or keep them as memories 
Remind me of the good times
When we were both lost in each other 
Thoughts about our past arise in me
And I cant help but think
What if we had stayed together?

La Oveja Negra




My mom chuckles and says 
Me salistes un poco rarita
Yes mami, I’m the most rara
My clothes hang off my limbs
My shoes have holes 
And I won’t buy new ones
I choose the hardest path
Because I refuse to be a sheep
I’m not a leader either
I don’t like to make decisions for others
Just myself
I lead only myself
I’m alone, but not lonely
Gather my thoughts in silence
Look into other’s eyes
Feel out their energy
I can feel you 
Even if you don’t want me to
Observant and outspoken 
Questioning time and the universe 
Yes mami, soy rarita 
La mas rarita of them all 

Dealing with sickness



For a while now, my mom has been sick. She has rheumatoid arthritis, high blood pressure, stents put in her arteries, and pretty bad anxiety. Every day is struggle for her, not being able to walk because of the pain in her joints, and feeling all of the side effects from the plethora of medications she takes a couple times a day. It's not easy living with someone who needs constant care, especially at an age when you're supposed to be experiencing life and going out into the world on your own. Never thought at the age of 23 I would be in charge of taking her to numerous doctor appointments a week and caring for my 13 year-old sister. It's been extremely difficult over the past couple of years. Whenever she starts to feel better things go left and we're back at square one.

Not only do I have the weight of my sick mom on me, I also have this sort of resentment towards her and my family that came out of the blue. One day, my mom and I just stopped connecting. Everything she asked of me seemed like such a chore and with age she gets more difficult to deal with. She's constantly criticiszing me and tells me that I don't do enough. I get it, she's in agonizing pain, but I'm human as well. So I became absent the last couple of months. Snapping at her whenever I felt like she was attacking me and feeling as though she was a burden. Now when I look back it hurts to remember how I've distanced myself from my loved ones because it felt as though it were too much to handle. My friends weren't dealing with the same problems. They were free to do whatever they pleased because they're parents were healthy and not dependent on them. If only they knew how lucky they are and how badly I want my mom to get better, but I don't know if that'll ever happen.

Recently, my mom was hospitalized and the thought of her dying came into my head. I cried for days, not knowing what I would do without her in my life. From that day, I decided to start caring again. This mindset wasn't working anymore and my mom went through hell and back to raise me. My father is in my life financially, but not emotionally or even physically. My mom took me to school, signed me up for dance classes, found a speech therapist, watched me during my swimming lessons, cheered me on at school presentations, gave me endless amounts of love, attention, and affection. She's my superwoman and now it's my turn to be be patient with her even though she can be a lot to deal with. I will always love my mother, and it still pains me that it took me this long to snap out of this mindset of negativity and anger.

It's not easy taking care of a sick loved one and I know many people who have gone through this. It's okay to feel like the world is against you and that God doesn't exist. I don't like to use the word "God" because of personal reasons, but the universe does what it does for a reason. Be patient and kind to your loved ones and most importantly understanding. And communication is key.

My First After My Last



My First After My Last

I still remember the first time you kissed me. We were at a bar for a friend’s showcase and all I could think about were your blue eyes. The way they stared so intently, observing everyone, everywhere, all the time. Your face was so close to mine that the inevitable had to happen. It was quick, but satisfying at the same time. All I wanted was more, paying no mind to the crowd around us. My timidness had disappeared. 

When we left all I could think about is feeling the heat radiating from your body. I finally built up the courage to slide my hand into yours and I held my breathe waiting for the rejection, but then you took it. You held my hand and now my heart was beating up my throat. Loving every second we spent walking to the train together. At that moment you were mine and I was yours. Only for the night. 

The last kiss of that night was underneath the train tracks on Roosevelt Avenue. It was your first time in that part of Queens and I still remember you comparing it to Los Angeles. The place you left me for. It’s okay though, because the memories keep my heart full and I’ll never forget the feelings I had. They’ll fade with time, but they’ll always be mine. 

Karma



I told you
You were my karma
The slap in the face 
I deserved for 
The trail of broken hearts 
I’ve created with my selfishness 
You told me your intentions 
Were to never hurt me
Yet here I am 
Crying into my pillow
Thinking about the promises
You’ve never kept 
I’m doing what my past lovers 
Texted me that they did 
Acting out for your attention 
Following every move 
I criticized them for 
You were my karma 
The person who had to 
Show me pain 
So I can stop spreading it 

Crush

I wanna feel your weight 
Crushing me 
Gasping for air 
After every long kiss 
Hands moving restlessly 
Not knowing where we belong 
If we belong to each other 
What's gonna happen after 
Not after us
But after everything 
We prepared for
There's a place for us 
Out there 

It's just not here 

Materialistic Possessions V. Experiences


Growing up with social media and in a materialistic society has brainwashed me into thinking that having more is a way to gain happiness. My mom always joked around, telling people I'm the hippie of the family because I rather go backpacking around Europe for a month instead of staying at a luxury hotel for a weekend, but it's not true. I've always truly believed that experiences are more important than buying a brand new car, that doesn't mean that one day I won't decide to buy a ridiculously expensive vehicle. Sometimes I want to buy stuff I don't need solely for stuntin' on the gram purposes. I can't help but feel materialistic at times, but I always try to remind myself that some of the stuff you buy doesn't even last that long to be dropping stacks on it like that.

How can we stop being so obsessed with shit that doesn't even really matter?

I think one of my weaknesses is fashion. Clothes and fashion are a creative outlet for me, but do I really need that faux fur coat that looks extremely similar to the one I bought from Top Shop a week ago? NO.